Last week, I was in Colorado presenting on Building an Inclusive Board Culture at the Nonprofit Technology Conference.

After the session, a man, (I’ll call him Jerome) approached me with a question.

Jerome is a senior leader at a well-known nonprofit organization. Many staff members at this organization would like to focus on equity, which means shifting systems, power, and representation for this organization and the works it shares. But the Executive Director does not care about this and the board listens to the Executive Director.

“What can I do?” Jerome asked me.

I took a big, deep breath. I thought for a moment. I wished I could give Jerome a different answer than the one I had.

“There is not much you can do,” I said. “You cannot pull people towards change when they don’t want to go there.”

My story of misalignment.

Years ago, I worked for an organization that worked in a way that was opposed to my deepest values: Power was held tightly by the people “at the top.” Perspectives of individual staff members did not matter. The community was not consulted in decision-making.

When I joined the organization, I did not realize how hierarchical it was. I cared about the outcome of the work that this organization was doing. But the way that the work got done and the way that decisions were made saddened and angered me more and more over time.

I tried to speak up and share that there were other ways of doing things. In a system in which a few people had all of the power, my idea of listening to more perspectives came across as naïve at best.

I did not fit in. My ideas and energy were not honored or valued. After several years of feeling stuck and unappreciated, I told my boss that I wanted to either get promoted or leave. Within a few months, I got my answer and was fired.

Finding my way through failure.

At the time, it was traumatic. It was hard to eat or sleep for several months. I felt like a failure. I had lost something that many people would consider precious — even though I had mostly felt trapped.

In the vast, open space of this failure, I sat with some big, hard, unsettling questions: Who am I? What do I most value? How do I want to work? How do I want to contribute? What is worth building now?

Seeking answers.

It took a long time to answer these questions. Ultimately, I learned that I love leading participatory conversations that bring out the wisdom of the room and the community. I love guiding people towards change that is owned by all and takes the perspectives of all into consideration. I love guiding “difficult,” meaty conversations that move people and groups towards change.

This story has a happy ending! The Ross Collective emerged from the ashes of this “failure.” What seemed like a setback turned out to be a gift: The gift of designing the exact right path for myself with a wonderful rainbow of colleagues and friends walking alongside me.

But I learned something else too - which I shared with Jerome:

People have to want change in order to move towards it.

I mentioned to Jerome that his organization could have an outside consultant come in and do an assessment. But if the leadership is not interested, it is unlikely to have much effect.

Resistance to change - a familiar story.

Over the past years, so many people have told me a version of Jerome’s story: They want change, the organizational leadership does not. Maybe, as you’re reading this, you have your own version.

The Ross Collective’s work is to focus on hope and seek out levers for change. We are inspired as we see our clients move towards change by building strategic plans and conversations that take many voices and perspectives into account.

But sometimes, there aren’t any levers - and if you can, your best move is to walk away or begin to plan for that. It feels scary. And you may be energized by what you find as you choose a different path.

Mandy Hale, a New York Times bestselling author, once said, “Change is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” That resonated with me as I thought about Jerome.

Sometimes we go in different directions than our organizations, which can lead to difficult decisions. Ultimately, those breaks can be good for everyone involved. I am a firm believer in things working out, even after tough times.

We at the Ross Collective understand that any organization is the sum of its parts. We mostly work with organizations, but do offer executive coaching engagements for individuals. If you are facing a difficult situation, please reach out. We would be happy to find a way to support you through it.