How a crushing disappointment led to the search for something better

It should have been one of the happiest days of my life.

I had just been offered what I thought was my dream job.

We had been trying to move to the area. This role was prestigious, and I would be able to use my education and experience. My future colleagues were smart, thoughtful people that I would love working with.

But as I drove away from receiving that job offer, tears were streaming down my face. I could not stop crying. I was going to have to make a choice and I knew what I was going to do. And I felt completely miserable.

Was flexibility - and balance - possible?

Let me back up.

I had been researching this job for a few months.

Before meeting in person, I spoke with my coworkers. I learned about the day-to-day work. It sounded amazing.

I spoke with my future boss. It was all so exciting!

As I learned about the job, I did have one big question.

I was not just “a worker.” I was a parent of two small children, ages one and three.

I wanted to work hard and I also wanted some time to be with my kids.

So, in those phone calls, I asked my future coworkers – was there some flexibility in the workload?

I learned something that thrilled and calmed me: Two of the women on the staff, who were also moms, worked an 80% schedule: they received 80% of their full salary and worked 80% of the regular business hours.

Once I found this out, I thought, I should be able to do that too, right? Working 80% time would let me find some kind of balance between work and parenting.

Getting the answer

Which brings me back to the day of my in-person job interview.

The meetings with team members were energizing. At the end of the day, I met with my future boss. He offered me the job. This was incredible!

As soon as I received a job offer, I asked the question I had been thinking about for months: Could I, along with my two future colleagues, work 80%?

I held my breath and waited for the answer.

No.

There was not any hesitation, discussion, or room to negotiate.

This organization needed me 100% of the time.

I could feel an expanse of disappointment open inside of me. I stuffed the shock and sadness inside me as I said that I would think all of this over.

And that was why I was crying on the car ride home.

I would take the job. We wanted to return to the area. There were few opportunities that were so aligned with exactly what I had done up to that point.

I had gotten what I wanted – yet I had not gotten what I wanted at all.

Unhealthy leadership is heartbreaking – and deadening.

There is so much I understand now that I did not understand in that car ride home. At the time, I felt the unfairness at the way I, individually, was treated. I now think about this as one case of the many ways that people are treated unfairly in organizations.

Healthy organizations create clear and transparent policies around work.

My experiences of unhealthy leadership did not cause me to give up or become cynical. Instead, I came away with a question, “How can we do better?”

So many of us are thinking about this question now. Although we do not each have equal power in answering the question, each of us can work towards creating and cultivating healthy leadership.

Introducing our series on healthy leadership

As we open a new year with demands for individual and organizational resilience, this seemed like a good time for a series on healthy leadership.

This series will explore three dimensions of healthy leadership – individual, organizational, and community (or systemic).

First, we’ll feature three individual perspectives on practices for healthy leadership. I’m writing the first one, and then you’ll hear from Chrystal Morris Murphy and Yanira Guzman, two colleagues of color. Then, we’ll look at organizational practices. The last post will look at community or systemic dimensions of healthy leadership.

Why this and why now?

Almost every client we worked with this year is struggling with staff retention and turnover.

Having worked with many leaders and organizations, we at The Ross Collective have seen it all.

Our vision is a world in which all people thrive. We design and lead inclusive planning processes that draw on a variety of perspectives, so team members feel invested in the work going forward.

The bottom line is that we care deeply about building healthy organizations. Our tools and process support this.

We have seen a range of leadership styles – with some organizations embracing a culture of overwork or micromanagement, and others finding ways to build a sustainable, joyful culture.

We have found reasons to be hopeful. Our clients, colleagues and leaders in our network are creating bright spots. Our hope is that sharing these bright spots will generate reflection and conversations at your organization about moving towards healthier leadership.

Our position is simple: Healthy leadership breeds healthy organizations. In the many years we’ve worked with nonprofits, healthy leadership is powerful and transformative.

We are all working towards making 2024 a great year. We hope to launch the year with a strong series that will break out some of the greatest takeaways that we hope will add value to you and your organization immediately, helping you to improve the health of your approach to leadership.

As always, we are here for you. Please reach out with your experiences and let us know how we can help.