The key to accomplishing our goals might not be what we expect:

New Year’s resolutions are a big topic right now. Changing the calendar makes most of us step back and reflect on the past year. What went well? What would we like to change?

Yet the truth is, we’re reading the same advice we read last year. Studies show that less than 20% of people succeed in keeping their resolutions past the first 30 days of the year. Something isn’t working!

A few times in the past, I resolved to maintain a consistent writing practice. I feel good when I write and readers have told me that they find my writing inspiring and instructive. Yet I find it difficult to write consistently. When this happens, I start to criticize myself. But pushing harder does not create motivation. What does get me writing? Finding a compassionate internal voice, “You have a lot of responsibilities…you’re working on many different projects. How amazing that you write as much as you do!”  That voice leads to action.

A recent book suggests that this compassionate, caring approach is the right one toward goal achievement: Emotional Success by David DeSteno, a professor of psychology at Northeastern University, describes the power that gratitude, compassion, and pride have in helping us to achieve our goals. As DeSteno documents, success does not emerge directly from willpower, grit and “trying harder.” Instead, Emotional Success argues that gratitude, compassion, and pride build the internal and external resources that support us through difficult times and give us the determination to persist through challenging situations.

One of the most interesting parts of DeSteno’s argument is the idea that these emotions are prosocial in nature. While they help us to individually feel better, they also help us as a community to take care of one another.

DeSteno’s claims align with my experience. I am grateful to consult with nonprofit and foundation leaders, sharing tools that help them to do better work. My success stems from my hard work and ability to keep learning and growing, and I owe a lot to my network of colleagues who mentor me, connect me with influential decision-makers, and provide emotional support.

Because I feel this gratitude, I look for opportunities to “pay in” in ways that will help others and energize me. As I meet our California State University, East Bay Nonprofit Management Certificate students, I let them know that I’m open to meeting with them and brainstorming job-hunting and networking possibilities. When colleagues reach out for consulting resources or processes, I share what I know. The successes of each of us boosts the success of all of us.

My experience is that the universe knows when we keep the flow of learning and networking going, and opportunities come to us for doing that. That sounds a little out there. But what can I say? It works!

My experience with compassion is similar. Unfortunately, most of us have worked with bosses and coworkers who managed with criticism and disappointment, focusing on flaws and mistakes. In these low-safety environments, I’ve found my curiosity deadened, my risk-taking decreased, and my optimism tamped down.

On the other hand, as I have trained myself to internalize compassion—initially modeling this after coaches and trusted others, eventually hearing my own compassionate internal voice in challenging times—everything shifted. Compassion for myself has built resilience when a project veers off course—which helps me to be creative about how to pivot it toward success. When nonprofit and foundation leaders share their challenges with me, compassion helps me respond authentically and nonjudgmentally.

And what about pride? I understand this as leaning in to our best selves without holding back. This means standing up for who we are and what we believe in, knowing that we might offend some people or not everyone might agree with us. This feels scary; I’m used to being cautious. But again, the more that I do this and encourage others to do this, magic happens. In standing for our values, we connect with a tribe of people who share those values – and we’re energized to work on change together.

To bring this back to New Year’s resolutions. Change starts with an image of what we want to be different. But the next step isn’t checking that habit off on a daily basis. Instead, change comes from connecting with our hearts: We need to focus on where we already feel gratitude, and how we connect that new habit to those places. We need to bring compassion to our past failures or inability to change. And we need to find the vision of our best selves and lean into the energy that emerges from that vision.

Try This:

• What goals would you like to accomplish?

• How can you cultivate gratitude, compassion and pride to motivate yourself towards action?

• If you’re challenged to find gratitude, compassion or pride, what support do you need to cultivate these emotions?